The last Instagram post of Sushant Singh Rajput is heart -wrenching.
‘Blurred past evaporating from teardrops
Unending dreams carving an arc of smile
And a fleeting life,
negotiating between the two…
The words ‘blurred’, ‘ teardrops’, ‘ unending’, ‘ arc’, ‘ between’, ‘ past’, ‘ evaporating’ ‘ negotiating’ each of these words are all fragments of a memory. They narrate a story of an unclear, incomplete seeking. The inability to bridge the gap that the crevices of loss may have created in the mind of a sixteen year old. It could reflect the grievings of hundreds of such innocent souls who miss their mumma! This is what I would say is ‘ living on the edge.’
Suicides like this are not done in a fit of insanity but are brewing in the playground of the mind for some time. The idea that I can take my life seems so real and doable than living on, in this Illusionary reality where man is supposed to be loved forever by another. This ‘forever’ for promise that we make to each other whether in love or hate is like a curse that breaks trust when one decides to depart.
Suddenly suicide seems an alternative path to moving out of unbearable pain and embracing the one person you cannot see or touch. The loss of a parent early in life can leave one desirous of that ‘stroke’ which made you love yourself. The touch of a mother is the first loving nuzzle that you snuggle into and believe that it will cushion you against all obstacles in your life. As you grow older you search for that in others but realise that it’s irreplaceable. You want to run home to feel the unconditional warmth again, and when it’s ‘evaporated’ you can only feel ‘unending’ grief. For many the period of mourning for a loved one is the reality in which they live, life is lived only in ‘between’….
Suicide is not a sin in the eyes of a forgiving God but it may lead to unending pain. I know that for a few cosmic moments which actually seem a lifetime you are united with the object of love in the other realm.
None of us are suicide-proof and have entertained this thought once in our adult life. This could be a ‘ passing fancy’ with ‘ what would I feel if I did it’, or ‘ Gosh! I can sense a feeling of choking when I read about it’. It’s important to know that this is not the only option and when depressed, other possibilities can be reached out for. One of them is to, think of all those around you whom you can still love. Look at these relationships that you can still hold and nurture.
To all those who could be waiting to clip those wings, I have only one thing to say,
‘Remember the lessons may be tough but they will have to be learnt here. Bailing yourself out early before you complete your exam will get you to repeat it again, and maybe then a loved one may not be around you for support. The loved ones who have departed, are still around you, only you can’t touch them, hear them or see them…. but they can. If you believe in rebirth then know that we cannot be lost in translation.
This is the truth !